I'm Sorry, Your Computer Does Not Exist. Have a Nice Day! Goodbye.

You know my dearly beloved laptop? The one that is only 7 months old??

Well, I'm very sorry to report that the honeymoon is over.

Do you see that small rectangular box -- the one that's plunked down in between the screwdriver set and the large silver thingy, just off the edge of the red protective pad? -- that is my hard drive. The hard drive that contains all the essential and irreplaceable things that have never been backed up! (Gulp.) That dissection was quite painful to watch.

The good news is that the laptop is now back in one piece and I can use it.

The bad news is that it's still kind of wonky. I think. Or maybe it's not. Maybe I'm just filled with distrust and disgust. I don't know. Either way, I'm still annoyed with Dell and their automated Customer Service Line which sucked about 5 hours out of my day and also sucked, period.

We are rebuilding trust, my laptop and I, but we continue to cast sideways glances across the room and approach each other delicately for now.

*****

It all started when the laptop screen started to look funny. It had narrow vertical lines covering the entire area. The first couple of times that happened, the lines disappeared spontaneously, or I closed and opened the laptop lid and the lines went away. (Which I realize is akin to fixing a skipping movie by thumping the DVD player, but it worked.) Then one night the lines returned, and they stayed. I flapped the lid shut, optimistically restarted several times, unplugged and plugged back in, tried a different outlet, even let it rest overnight and did it all again the next day! (Because I am technologically savvy like that.)

Finally, I had to admit that I had A Situation on my hands and tried googling a solution. I was relieved to find multiple links for troubleshooting this exact problem! Unfortunately, the solutions all consisted of multiple steps with paragraphs that read like this: lllllclllllPlllllkllblllllllrllldllllllNlllllllcllllllFllllllbllllllBllllllTlllllllclllllellllblllllllhlllblllllrlllllrlllhlll. You know, because of the lines.

So I called the Dell Technical Support line.

I was transferred to many different people, who mostly all told me that I had called the wrong department. Calls were lost. I repeated my Express Service Code over and over and over again only to be told that it did not exist over and over and over again. I then gave my Service Tag Number over and over and over again. I was repeatedly told there were "billing issues" and they could not give me any information regarding that system. (I pleaded, "Just tell me what button I need to push to fix the screen!! That's all I need from you!!!" to no avail.)

(For the record, both of those numbers they wanted are from helpful stickers affixed to the bottom of the laptop. I mean it's not like I wrote them down wrong, or lost the paperwork, or forgot, or anything.) (AND the computer was paid in full back in December, along with the optional 3-year service plan! To guard against this very thing!) (Harrumph!)

To clear up the "billing issues," I was told to call the Financial Department. (Which, incidentally, I was to reach by dialing the exact same number I had been dialing all morning.)

Here's a slice of actual transcript to give you a small taste of how the calls went:

Automated Friendly Voice: Thank you for calling the Dell help line. Are you calling to Check Order Status, Make a Purchase, Technical Support, or None of Those?

Me: None of Those.

AFV: Ok, here's what else I can help you with: My Product Is Not Working, Get Pricing & Product Information, or I Have Questions About My Order!

Me: My Product Is Not Working.

AFV: You want Technical Support! I'll transfer you.

Me: (sigh) Ok, fine.

Live Technical Support Person: Hello, this is Avi. Can you give me your name and Express Service Code, please?

Me: Yes, but everyone says it doesn't exist. (give it)

LTSP: I can't find a match. Can you give me your Service Tag Number, please?

Me: Yes, but everyone says there is a block on it. (give it)

LTSP: There is a block on this system.

Me: I KNOW! That is why I am trying to call the Billing Department but I can't seem to get there!!

LTSP: I'll transfer you.

Me: WAIT! People keep transferring me and then I get cut off or have to start all over and I can't get anywhere because everyone says this computer DOES NOT EXIST!! Please get me the person I need to speak with!

LTSP: I'm sorry about that. I'll conference this call and stay on the line until you are connected.

Me: Oh, thank you!!

LTSP: (clicks, ringing, music......then SILENCE as I'm cut off again)

Me: @#(*&*@!

So, I dial Dell's Customer Service number AGAIN, jabbing the buttons with great hostility and considerably more force than needed.

Me: (beep-bwop-boop, boop-bip-beep, beep-bip-bop-BWEEEEEP!!!)

AFV: Thank you for calling the Dell help line. Are you calling to Check Order Status, Make a Purchase, Technical Support, of None of Those?

Me: None of Those.

AFV: Ok, here's what else I can help you with: My Product Is Not Working, Get Pricing & Product Information, or I Have Questions About My Order.

Me: My Product Is Not Working.

AFV: You say you would like to Place An Order?

Me: NO!

AFV: I didn't quite get that. You say you would like to Place An Order?

Me: NOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOO!!!

AFV: I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that. Please hold for assistance.

Live Technical Support Person: Hello, this is Jennifer. Can I please have your Express Service Code?....

Seriously. It was like Groundhog Day mixed with Twilight Zone, sprinkled with SNL. Only without the laughter. And lasting 5 hours.

I finally reached someone who offered to send out a service technician to replace the LCD screen. And, miraculously, the 5-to-7-day waiting period turned out to be less than 24 hours, for which I was extremely grateful. (And when the problem turned out to be the motherboard instead, he actually had one ready to install!) So, I'm back.

But since then? After supposedly clearing up all the problems with this system and its corresponding account? I've received 4 separate phone calls from Dell, notifying me that they still have not received the old defective printer that I was supposed to send in when they sent me the new replacement printer.

Seriously.

Dell, please listen closely. My actual, real computer DOES EXIST; the phantom printer -- (now careful, here's where it gets tricky!!) -- DOES NOT!

I understand it's very hard to keep track of this, what with all your account information being stored on unreliable Dell computers with their failing LCD screens and bad motherboards and all. Maybe you could just print it all out and go back to paper files? Oh, right....there's that whole printer problem, too.

Well....could you please just transfer me to the Apple switchboard? Thank you!

(Yes, I'll hold.)