I'm Sorry, Your Computer Does Not Exist. Have a Nice Day! Goodbye.

You know my dearly beloved laptop? The one that is only 7 months old??

Well, I'm very sorry to report that the honeymoon is over.

Do you see that small rectangular box -- the one that's plunked down in between the screwdriver set and the large silver thingy, just off the edge of the red protective pad? -- that is my hard drive. The hard drive that contains all the essential and irreplaceable things that have never been backed up! (Gulp.) That dissection was quite painful to watch.

The good news is that the laptop is now back in one piece and I can use it.

The bad news is that it's still kind of wonky. I think. Or maybe it's not. Maybe I'm just filled with distrust and disgust. I don't know. Either way, I'm still annoyed with Dell and their automated Customer Service Line which sucked about 5 hours out of my day and also sucked, period.

We are rebuilding trust, my laptop and I, but we continue to cast sideways glances across the room and approach each other delicately for now.

*****

It all started when the laptop screen started to look funny. It had narrow vertical lines covering the entire area. The first couple of times that happened, the lines disappeared spontaneously, or I closed and opened the laptop lid and the lines went away. (Which I realize is akin to fixing a skipping movie by thumping the DVD player, but it worked.) Then one night the lines returned, and they stayed. I flapped the lid shut, optimistically restarted several times, unplugged and plugged back in, tried a different outlet, even let it rest overnight and did it all again the next day! (Because I am technologically savvy like that.)

Finally, I had to admit that I had A Situation on my hands and tried googling a solution. I was relieved to find multiple links for troubleshooting this exact problem! Unfortunately, the solutions all consisted of multiple steps with paragraphs that read like this: lllllclllllPlllllkllblllllllrllldllllllNlllllllcllllllFllllllbllllllBllllllTlllllllclllllellllblllllllhlllblllllrlllllrlllhlll. You know, because of the lines.

So I called the Dell Technical Support line.

I was transferred to many different people, who mostly all told me that I had called the wrong department. Calls were lost. I repeated my Express Service Code over and over and over again only to be told that it did not exist over and over and over again. I then gave my Service Tag Number over and over and over again. I was repeatedly told there were "billing issues" and they could not give me any information regarding that system. (I pleaded, "Just tell me what button I need to push to fix the screen!! That's all I need from you!!!" to no avail.)

(For the record, both of those numbers they wanted are from helpful stickers affixed to the bottom of the laptop. I mean it's not like I wrote them down wrong, or lost the paperwork, or forgot, or anything.) (AND the computer was paid in full back in December, along with the optional 3-year service plan! To guard against this very thing!) (Harrumph!)

To clear up the "billing issues," I was told to call the Financial Department. (Which, incidentally, I was to reach by dialing the exact same number I had been dialing all morning.)

Here's a slice of actual transcript to give you a small taste of how the calls went:

Automated Friendly Voice: Thank you for calling the Dell help line. Are you calling to Check Order Status, Make a Purchase, Technical Support, or None of Those?

Me: None of Those.

AFV: Ok, here's what else I can help you with: My Product Is Not Working, Get Pricing & Product Information, or I Have Questions About My Order!

Me: My Product Is Not Working.

AFV: You want Technical Support! I'll transfer you.

Me: (sigh) Ok, fine.

Live Technical Support Person: Hello, this is Avi. Can you give me your name and Express Service Code, please?

Me: Yes, but everyone says it doesn't exist. (give it)

LTSP: I can't find a match. Can you give me your Service Tag Number, please?

Me: Yes, but everyone says there is a block on it. (give it)

LTSP: There is a block on this system.

Me: I KNOW! That is why I am trying to call the Billing Department but I can't seem to get there!!

LTSP: I'll transfer you.

Me: WAIT! People keep transferring me and then I get cut off or have to start all over and I can't get anywhere because everyone says this computer DOES NOT EXIST!! Please get me the person I need to speak with!

LTSP: I'm sorry about that. I'll conference this call and stay on the line until you are connected.

Me: Oh, thank you!!

LTSP: (clicks, ringing, music......then SILENCE as I'm cut off again)

Me: @#(*&*@!

So, I dial Dell's Customer Service number AGAIN, jabbing the buttons with great hostility and considerably more force than needed.

Me: (beep-bwop-boop, boop-bip-beep, beep-bip-bop-BWEEEEEP!!!)

AFV: Thank you for calling the Dell help line. Are you calling to Check Order Status, Make a Purchase, Technical Support, of None of Those?

Me: None of Those.

AFV: Ok, here's what else I can help you with: My Product Is Not Working, Get Pricing & Product Information, or I Have Questions About My Order.

Me: My Product Is Not Working.

AFV: You say you would like to Place An Order?

Me: NO!

AFV: I didn't quite get that. You say you would like to Place An Order?

Me: NOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOO!!!

AFV: I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that. Please hold for assistance.

Live Technical Support Person: Hello, this is Jennifer. Can I please have your Express Service Code?....

Seriously. It was like Groundhog Day mixed with Twilight Zone, sprinkled with SNL. Only without the laughter. And lasting 5 hours.

I finally reached someone who offered to send out a service technician to replace the LCD screen. And, miraculously, the 5-to-7-day waiting period turned out to be less than 24 hours, for which I was extremely grateful. (And when the problem turned out to be the motherboard instead, he actually had one ready to install!) So, I'm back.

But since then? After supposedly clearing up all the problems with this system and its corresponding account? I've received 4 separate phone calls from Dell, notifying me that they still have not received the old defective printer that I was supposed to send in when they sent me the new replacement printer.

Seriously.

Dell, please listen closely. My actual, real computer DOES EXIST; the phantom printer -- (now careful, here's where it gets tricky!!) -- DOES NOT!

I understand it's very hard to keep track of this, what with all your account information being stored on unreliable Dell computers with their failing LCD screens and bad motherboards and all. Maybe you could just print it all out and go back to paper files? Oh, right....there's that whole printer problem, too.

Well....could you please just transfer me to the Apple switchboard? Thank you!

(Yes, I'll hold.)

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, Where Could You Be? (Or, Our Trip to the Invisible Zoo.)

**My camera is still traveling with my daughter on vacation, so these photos are brought to you courtesy of my very old cell phone camera once again.**

I took Junior to the zoo. He wasn't excited about going until I told him we would see a tiger. That got his attention! He signed "tiger" and growled intermittently the whole way there.

First we saw the black swans exhibit.

Black swan, black swan, where can you be?

It consisted of a big empty area with a fountain and a pond and one lone duck.

Then we came to the chimpanzee exhibit.

I see tan ropes, empty as can be.

It was empty and under construction.

The wild dogs were nowhere to be seen, either.

Wild dogs, wild dogs, where can you be?

So we kept on walking.

A sign said the next enclosure was where the Takin (Takins? Takinusses? Takini?) lived. I was trying to remember what a Takin was and wondering how to talk about this animal to Junior. Was it like a deer? A cow? A pig? What the heck's a Takin?

It didn't matter.

I think Google Search is needed for me.

The Takin had been taken.

There were no lions or bears or elephants or giraffes, either.

But there were some cages with inhabitants that intrigued my son:

Wooly Ring-Legged Painterman

Brown Tufted Mowdegrasseus

We watched those cage-dwellers a while and Junior was content, though I was kind of wanting a refund.

The trip got a LOT more exciting and ended up being worth every penny (read Part 2 here!), but still, I felt compelled to compose the following letter To Whom It May Concern:

Dear Zoo,

Please get some animals.

Thank you,

Jujyfruit.

Dear Nigerian Scammer

Photo borrowed from this guy, who has a good scam response story.

Dear Nigerian Scammer,

It was such a surprise to hear from you the other day! I mean, how long has it been since that whole big Who Misplaced All The Money incident?! Oh, wait, that's right -- NEVER! Ah, the memories. :) Those sure were some good nonexistent times, weren't they?

Just a little tip -- If you tell me you are holding my misdirected check for $300, there's actually a small chance I'll bite....but a misplaced cheque for $300,000?? Get out!

No, seriously. Get out of my inbox.

I mean, it's nothing personal or anything. You might be a really nice person, just trying to make ends meet in a tough situation. A modern day Jean Valjean, if you will. It's possible. But I'm kinda busy right now and don't want to have to deal with some big fiasco and lose all my money and have my identity stolen and all that. So, thanks for the nice email and all your helpfulness, but leave me alone now, ok? I sure appreciate it! :)

Anyhoo, gotta run! Good luck with all your scamming and stuff!

xoxo,

Jujyfruit

PS. You staying warm enough over there? It's still really cold here! Brrrr!

A Moustache and Garanimals

August 1, 2008


Dear Middle School,

It has come to my attention that my daughter, Tootsie McGee, is listed on your roster as an incoming 6th grader for the 2008-09 school year.

Are you absolutely sure this listing is correct? I am aware that she has completed all educational standards required in area elementary schools, and, in fact, has done so with flying colors. So I understand why the powers that be might be under the impression that she is ready to transfer to your hallowed halls.

But can we talk?

I accompanied Tootsie to the sports registration night held in your main office last night, and several things made me question her school assignment as it now stands.

First of all, when I announced her name (Tootsie McGee) loudly in the office, everyone started to giggle and point at her. Ok, you're right, that one is totally my fault. Forget I mentioned it.

Let me start over.

First of all, before we even entered the office, we had to verify that she was going into the 6th Grade, and therefore was not required to watch the Anti-Drug Educational Video like the 7th & 8th Graders were; she merely needed to sign a form agreeing that she would abide by the school's Anti-Drug and Alcohol Policy. Are you serious? Have we already reached That Stage? That stage of cell phones and bubblegum, MySpace and peer pressure, pre-teen drug and alcohol use, Jamie Lynn Spears and birth control? Plus, not to mention, -- when did she start needing to read the fine print for herself and sign her own signature on papers??

I feel a little dizzy, but I will try to finish this letter.

The second item that concerned me as I waited in line last night was the general appearance of all the children adults teenagers waiting along with us. I had to verify that we were, in fact, in the correct line to sign up for 6th Grade Cross Country. That it wasn't actually the BMV License Branch waiting line, or the Free Moustache Shaver line, or the Ginormous Bras and Free Proactiv Solution line. While I was assured WE were in the proper line, I'm still not completely convinced everybody else was. But if indeed the information was accurate, let me just say that I am very, very glad I didn't dress her in her Garanimals last night!* And that I allowed her to tie her own shoes.**

I am aware that one should never judge a book by its cover, and while I freely admit to doing that all the time anyway, I try very hard not to judge by appearance when it comes to humans. So, taking into account all the hormone-laced milk and human-growth-factor-filled chicken these young adults have likely eaten in their brief-yet-obviously-long-enough lifetimes, I decided to close my eyes and just listen to the happy chatter of excited middle school students. Let me just tell you, Middle School, my eyes flew right back open at the offensive language freely flowing from the mouth of the allegedly pre-teen man behind us while he carried on a conversation with his wife mom. And, what's more, the words were issued forth in a decidedly bass voice. And I'm pretty sure I saw a moustache.

So, in summary, I am requesting a full review of all paperwork pertaining to my daughter's middle school placement. I need additional verification that this assignment is, in fact, correct.

And while you're reviewing, please keep in mind that this is the same child who, yesterday, asked me if we had any milk, and when I replied yes, asked me where it was.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Respectfully Yours,
Jujyfruit McGee, Concerned Parent



*While this entire post will likely cause my daughter considerable embarrassment, let me at least state for the record that she does not in fact own Garanimals. That was purely a mother, mourning The Loss of Innocence, taking a bit of literary license to illustrate a point.

** Ditto.

My Passive-Aggressive Calendar: Let Me Show It To You

I bought myself a calendar this year. Generally I just use the free one that comes in the mail mid-December. But this year I actually went to the store, browsed around, and carefully selected one that had nice, large squares for writing in and a spiral binding so it would lay flat. It even had an attractive plain, red leather(ish) cover on it, so I wouldn't mind it lying around in plain sight all the time. I payed $16.95 for it, and considered it money well spent. I truly believed that this calendar would improve my life by helping me to be more organized & efficient. Look out, 2008; here I come!

But there's a problem. Unlike every other calendar I have ever owned, including all the mini-planner purse editions, school calendar magnet versions, and those small-squared, awkwardly-sized, floppy, free ones from our insurance company or bank or whoever*, this one STARTS ON A MONDAY SQUARE.

And if that's not confusing enough, the tiny preview month-at-a-glance calendars at the top of the page are in the traditional SUNDAY-SQUARE-COMES-FIRST format. Passive-aggressive, I tell you!
So this Monday Square format. It does not work for me. When I write down events and appointments by date, everything is hunky dory and I love my hip new calendar. And if something falls on the right-hand page (Thursday - Sunday), I see the weekend shared squares and everything's fine. But when someone says "how about Monday?" or "next Tuesday" or "this Wednesday" I invariably get it wrong!!

Yes, I know -- it is already May and I should have caught on to this by now. But it keeps tripping me up!

Last week I emailed someone to "definitely (probably, I'm pretty sure)" expect my son because I had returned his registration form with our commitment. The problem was I returned it a day late because I marked the deadline on my calendar on the wrong dumb square! So...we're planning on it, but until we hear for sure, I'm hoping they have a slightly flexible deadline.

I also dropped off my 2 dozen cookies for the teacher's lounge at school last week, just as I had agreed to do....only I was, again, a day late. I breezed into the office with a grin and a chipper "just gonna drop these off in the Teacher's Lounge!" and then opened the door to an empty room. So on Tuesday there were dozens of donated cookies and drinks for the teachers to enjoy, courtesy of the PTO,....and on Wednesday there was a lone, tired little plate of cookies from me. I moved the empty containers and explanatory post-it notes and thank you cards from the day before, brushed aside the dry crumbs, and set my little plate on the table. Then ran!

So I think I finally got it through my thick skull: CHECK THE DAY! The actual name of the day of the week, for each square, no matter how delicately labelled and deceptively fluid it may appear! This is it. I have cracked the code. I have learned my lesson. I will double- and triple-check dates from now on!

Look out, all you Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays left in 2008; I am still coming!

And now I must run, for I have places to go and people to see! Oh, wait. Never mind. That was yesterday.... (banging head on table)



*Note To Our Friendly Business People:
To Whom It May Concern,
The free calendars were great and all (I mean we've used them for years now, even though we don't even have a nail in the wall to hang them from or anything!) but probably not really worth your advertising dollars. Think about it -- even after all these years of free calendars, I can't remember who you are! Perhaps you would consider dropping our insurance rates, or our interest rates, or your service charges, or offering some discount in whatever it is we are consuming from your business, in place of the annual calendar. Ok? Great!
Thanks, your loyal customer,
Jujyfruit.

In Which Global Warming Sounds Like a Good Idea...

April 28, 2008





Dear Mother Nature,


I'm writing you on behalf of all concerned citizens in the Michiana region. It has recently come to our attention that this year's long-awaited Spring is in danger of being temporarily revoked, and the earnestly struggling buds & sprouts residing herein are under threat of imminent peril. The overnight forecast predicts possible freezing temperatures with a slight chance of snow.

I offer my heartfelt plea that you reconsider this foolish plan, and strongly urge you to fully weigh and evaluate the devastating consequences of such an act. It is the end of April, Mother! The window for acceptable action has expired!

As a gesture of good faith while we work towards a peaceful resolution, I hereby pledge to nip my whining in the bud, in exchange for your promise that you will not nip our buds with frost.

What do you say, Big Mama? Can't we all just get along?

I am also legally obligated to inform you in writing that in the absence of a favorable response from you, I will be forced to dump the entire contents of our recyclable plastics bin in the yard and burn them in a massive off-gassing, pollution-filled, carbon-footprint-producing bonfire in an effort to warm things up a little faster around here.

Please reconsider your actions, post haste!

Sincerely,


Jujyfruit
Chair, Citizens for Global Warming