Evil Brackets of Doom!

Here's a scary Halloween horror for you...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!! (Thanks, Picnik)

My daughter got braces. Right before Halloween. Which means not much Halloween candy for her! Evil, isn't it?!

And if that's not creepy enough for you, she also got horrid metal hooks glued to the back of her front teeth. They are supposed to keep her from accidentally biting the brackets off her lower front teeth...but the side effect is that she can't fully bite down at all. Anywhere. Which means not much chewing or biting or eating in general! I'm spooked.

And do you know what is even spookier than THAT??

...THE BILL! *blood-curdling scream*

(It's the stuff of nightmares.)

Breaking News: Self-Care Has Commenced!!

This just in!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled surfing to bring you the following important announcement: The Associated Press reports that Jujyfruit has, allegedly, taken a bath. To repeat, initial reports now indicate that Jujyfruit may have had a bath earlier today.

According to public record, this has not occurred since sometime during the past school year, or approximately 3-4 months ago. Rumor has it that Jujyfruit did likely shower once or twice since then, but that rumor has not yet been confirmed.

An inside source, who asked to remain anonymous, verified the bath-taking episode did indeed occur, and offered eye-witness testimony that at least some shaving-of-the-legs had most likely taken place in that bath, as well.

"[the shaving] was only to the knee, but that is a good start," said the insider, adding, "I'm just relieved she took the time to do that, because her capris can only hide so much, you know?"

Examination of the visible laundry piles seems to indicate that in addition to the calf-shaving, Jujyfruit also may have chosen to dress in capris that were, in fact, clean. Speculation continues regarding what she may be wearing with those freshly-laundered capris, as all three of her usual summer t-shirts have been located.

One neighbor suggested that Jujyfruit may, in fact, be wearing an actual blouse of some type, though cautioned that the fabric did still appear to be a basic jersey knit. I repeat, the fabric did still appear to be a basic jersey knit.

The neighbor explained,

"I heard a strange noise coming from Jujyfruit's house at about 11:30 this morning while I was out walking my dog, so I glanced at the window and I could see her in there using a hairdryer! I remember it distinctly, because it was just so unusual.
At first I thought it must be someone else -- like, maybe she had a house guest or something -- because she wasn't wearing her normal t-shirt and also because it almost looked like she had on dangly earrings and lip gloss! But then she turned her head in my direction, and I could see that it really was her! I don't know what all this means, but I just felt it was my American duty to report it. Something fishy's going on over there."

Officers on the scene hinted that there could be a connection between these current allegations and the fact that the local school system held its opening day of classes today, adding that "strange things" were happening all over town.

Authorities urge anyone possessing information about these startling turn of events to contact our Jujyfruit Hotline at 1-800-SHE-LIVES. Again, that's 1-800-SHE-LIVES.

Operators will be standing by to take your calls as we continue to investigate this matter.

How to Start Your Day Filled With Energy and Purpose

There is some debate about whether my last post actually counts as a post that is NOT about not posting. (Did you follow that?) So, here is an alternative post featuring those cool "I Will Do One Thing Today" pads. This one counts! It doesn't even mention not posting recently!

Wait. Whoops. Well, just start reading HERE. >>

How To Start Your Day Filled With Energy and Purpose: A Simple 3-Step Plan Anyone Can Do.

Step 1. Drink Coffee. (Real coffee. Coffee with caffeine.)

I bought a new brand of coffee recently. It's not readily available at my local grocery store, so I bought two bags of it when I had the chance. I've been drinking this delicious coffee for well over a month now.

Yesterday, my husband made a pot of coffee in the evening for some dinner guests. (He usually just makes his morning coffee at work, so he hadn't actually made a pot from this new supply yet.) He started chuckling and whispering about me, and then announced with a grin that he had a theory about the source of my recent headaches and fatigue: I bought DECAF.

That's right -- I've been drinking decaf for weeks, and had not a clue.

Did I take advantage of this accidental weaning to free myself from the tyranny of caffeine? Are you kidding me?! I went straight out and bought a bag of the real deal!

And let me just tell you, after weeks without caffeine, the body reacts verrrrry favorably to a sudden spike in intake. I highly recommend it.

Step 2. Go Head-to-Head With The World's Largest Spider, Thus Saving Your Loved Ones From Certain Peril!

Caffeine will perk you up initially, but to achieve an optimum level of arousal, there's nothing quite like sheer terror to really get the adrenalin flowing. After the coffee started pumping through my veins, I sat down at the computer. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye I saw the largest spider I have ever seen in my life, mere feet away!

Now I'm not particularly scared of spiders, but let me tell ya, this one scared the patooey out of me. It was enormous. No little stick legs here -- in fact, those spider legs were so big and thick they almost appeared FLESHY.

I started to panic, and yelled at my daughter to "help me get it!!" (Not entirely sure what I thought she could do, but I couldn't face my hairy adversary without knowing she was in the room behind me. And that she could call 911 when the moment came.)

I grabbed a jar with a lid and stealthily approached that spider, with pounding hard and trembling hands, and then POUNCED, quickly trapping it under the jar! After a brief celebration, I suppressed a shudder...held my breath...and thrust the lid between the critter's body and the carpet, lifted the whole thing up, and flipped the jar over. (Caffeine really does speed up your reaction time, btw.)

But there was a problem: the spider didn't fall to the bottom of the jar like it should have, so I was terrified I missed it. I quickly scanned the floor...then the jar...and realized it truly was in there, gripping firmly to the underside of the lid with his giant fleshy spider legs! (I nearly swooned from the very idea.) I managed to NOT drop the jar, and instead shook it VIGOROUSLY to make that spider fall to the bottom where I could keep a leery eye on him....and nothing happened. I shook it again -- still nothing! I realized I had most likely trapped one of those enormous legs in the lid itself, so I swallowed my bile, lifted the lid ever-so-slightly and SHOOK IT AGAIN! (I mean, we're talking maracas this time!) And finally, it rattled around and fell to the floor of the jar with an audible clunk. And just laid there. Without moving.

Because it was plastic.

Then the waves of relief and caffeine-laced, maniacal laughter set in. Whoo-eee! That was a close one!

But I tell you what, my adrenalin continued to surge for a good long time. Between the coffee and the adrenalin, I was ready for action.

I tried to re-create the moment in this photo...but it just looks so shiny and obvious now.

Step 3. Get Yourself a One Thing Pad & Write Down One Goal.

The first two steps of this plan will provide you with all the energy you need; this step will help you establish your purpose.

These One Thing pads are an excellent way to channel that caffeine and aim that adrenalin! If you're really lucky, and you set your sights nice and low, you might even can get your One Thing done before you hit the slump that occurs when the effects of Steps 1 & 2 wear off! (If not, at least you will have a clearly recorded goal for the day, which will help you remember what it was you wanted to do when you wake up from your nap later.)

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If the 3-step plan outlined above seems too complicated, or if you are unable to complete the spider portion of the plan for any reason, there is one alternative.

This alternative method is not nearly as fun, and I hesitate to even mention it, because it also involves loved ones fraught with peril -- but this is the type of peril that extends far beyond the plastic spider variety. In fact, should you choose this alternative method, it is absolutely imperative that you consult with a licensed medical doctor before proceeding! Nevertheless, in extreme cases -- implementing all precautions -- this method has been scientifically proven to get results.

For more information about this alternative method, continue reading below.

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Alternative Method for Starting Your Day Filled With Energy And Purpose -- NOT FDA APPROVED.

The second, extremely effective method for How To Start Your Day With Energy And Purpose is to have a loved one schedule an early morning surgical procedure at your local hospital.

This happens to be the method I used yesterday. And even though I still didn't get out the door quite as quickly as I wanted to (Sorry, Bob! I didn't know they would take you back quite that early!), I have to say that my adrenalin and caffeine levels -- aka Energy & Purpose -- were, indeed, running on high for an extended period of time.

Now, I would NOT recommend using this alternative method very often (and it can be kinda tricky to find a loved one willing to participate) but for occasional use only -- seriously, NO MORE THAN 3 TIMES IN ANY 6-MONTH PERIOD, PLEASE!!* -- it is remarkably effective.

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Contraindications & Warnings
Before beginning either of the aforementioned recommended plans, you should become thoroughly familiar with each step involved and proceed with common sense.

Actually, never mind -- common sense would render certain steps ineffective. So, um, just blindly jump right in, I guess!

Try one of these time-proven methods TODAY and you, too, can Start Your Day Filled With Energy and Purpose!

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*Yes, I left room in that time-frame to do it all over again in August. But, seriously, Bob, that's enough! OK?!?

For Everything Else, There's MasterCard.

6 doctor visit co-pays: $300
chest x-rays: $125
medications: $130
nebulizer rental: TBA

having everyone healthy again: priceless

Spring Break 2009

I think mine will, too. Eventually.

I know many of you are far away in some sunny location for Spring Break, but just in case you are near a computer, I wanted to send my greetings!

We're having a truly one-of-a-kind vacation this year. We didn't travel anywhere, but we are having an unbelievable week right here at home! I keep forgetting to pull out my camera, but I did just take a few quick photos to post here and help preserve the memories.

First of all, you'd never guess we're still just at home. I mean, the view is incredible. My jaw dropped to the floor when I looked out the window yesterday! It's astounding.

Sorry, daffodils. I didn't know. IT'S APRIL.

We've had LOTS of R & R, with plenty of lounging around.

They usually had comfy nests of blankets and pillows. Don't worry.

We scheduled a few things, but mainly kept the calendar wide open and flexible and even canceled some previous commitments.

Can you decipher my coding system? Also, notice the ENTIRE WEEK of no school that occurred BEFORE Spring Break ever even started?? We are very lucky; we got TWO weeks off!

I've been relaxing a lot, too -- in fact, I didn't even bother to buy groceries and I've barely even had to cook a meal so far!

I promise they will all be thoroughly Cloroxed before I serve you salad or popcorn.

We've had lots & lots of family time; my husband has been home all week so far, and said he might just take the rest of the week off, too!

He was very sick, too, with a miserably high fever that wouldn't register. Oh, and by the way, I was just thinking the other day how lucky it is that he's not the one who bore the children. And also how lucky it is that he never reads this blog.

Even though we haven't even left the house, we've seen some amazing attractions...

I like to seal them up tight and secure for our archaeologist friends to find. It will give the Michael Crichtons of the future something good to write about.

...and visited some incredible places.

I love you, HDTV. (Especially when you have back-to-back episodes of "I Didn't Even Know I Was Pregnant")

Yep, Spring Break 2009 is definitely proving to be a week to remember!

Hope you're having a memorable week, too, wherever you are!

Boy, I can't wait to see your pictures!!

It's My Birthday!

I'm 39 years old today.

I think the years are beginning to show.

Grow old along with me at Age-O-Matic...

...and send your results to jujyfruitmcgee@gmail.com.

I think that might make me feel better.

Happy Birthentine's Day! (Get Well Soon!)

"Birthentine's Day" is a fairly rare holiday that occurs when one's birthday falls on Valentine's Day.

Even more rarely, sometimes the day before Birthentine's Day is also Friday the 13th.


And even MORE rarely, occasionally the Birthentiner has back surgery on Friday the 13th, Birthentine's Eve!

And VERY VERY MUCH MORE RARELY, that Birthentiner also is assigned to Room 13, with surgery scheduled to begin at 13:30 military time.

And RARELIEREST STILL, sometimes after surgery, the Birthentiner is able to wiggle the toes on his left foot, something he has been unable to do for the past 30 years!!! (Yes, 3 exclamation points. It's that big. I would put more but you might think I was joking. I'm not.)

This entire set of circumstances is so rare that if the above conditions are true, your name is Bob!

Happy Birthentine's Day, Bob!
Get Well Soon!

Seriously??

It is 9:27 p.m.

I was just in the bathroom, washing my face, and preparing to brush my teeth...when I looked in the mirror and realized that I had a piece of spinach stuck in between my two front teeth.

I ate spinach salad SEVEN HOURS AGO.

Seriously?!?

I sat down to write an entirely different post,...but come on, people! Seven hours?!

Instead of posting, I am now going to crawl under the covers and make up for those 7 Hours of Ignorant Bliss by fretting and stewing in extremely concentrated doses for the next 30 minutes!

Or until I fall asleep!

Whichever comes first.

Name That Pharmaceutical!

And now it's time to play a little game I like to call Name That Pharmaceutical!

Contestants ready?

Here's your first clue:

It's not a vitamin. It's not an aspirin. The flip side, very curiously, simply says "Dan Dan".

Anybody have a guess?

No? Well, then, here's your second clue:

And if you're still stumped, here's your third and final clue:

If you answered "What is Prednisone?" then you are a winner! (cue confetti)

Apparently we have a wee bit o' poison ivy growing around the edges of our yard. It's actually SO IMPRESSIVELY LARGE that it doesn't even look like poison ivy...but trust me, IT IS.

And if one should happen to be playing catch, and if the ball should happen to land in the nether regions of our yard, and if one should happen to retrieve the ball and then proceed to rub one's eye and scratch one's ear, then one is likely to need a strong course of Prednisone to relieve the swollen, itchy, infected areas...

...especially if this situation were to occur right before school picture day!

Just ask my oldest son. He'll readily concur.

"Say cheese!"

Fruity Tutorial: An Introduction to Corners

Good morning, class!

Today we are going to learn about a very important thing called CORNERS.

Do you know what corners are?

Yes -- you in the back! The one wth the feed reader. Go ahead! (And speak loudly so everyone else can hear you.)

(photo)

Um, no, I'm sorry...that's not actually a corner.

Let's see. Anyone else?

How about you? Yes, you -- the lurker over there in the corner, lingering near the comments section. Do you know what a corner is?

(photo)

Oh!

I see. Well, I understand why you were hiding now, but, no, I'm sorry -- that's not a corner, either.

THESE are corners:

(photo)

When will you ever use this information in real life, you doubtfully ask? Well, I'm getting to posit that unless you live in one of these, you need to know about corners.

(photo)

Because most houses HAVE corners, you see. That's right, wherever you see edges and angles meeting, you are likely to find a corner.


Because if you don't know about corners, and then you go and sell your house, and the new people who move in DO know...well, there are bound to be some sticky areas in that transaction.

Some hairy, crumb-filled, cob-webbed, sticky areas.

Like this.

And this.
Or this.
And even this.

Now that last particular example of a corner comes from a window sill.

It's very important to remember, class, that each window actually has FOUR corners. And so, IF (hypothetically speaking), one's new house has 26 main windows, then there are actually 104 corners just like that one -- from the windows alone!

On the inside.

And rooms? Why, rooms have AT LEAST four corners...but often times there are more than four.

Many, many, MANY more!

So please, students, PLEASE think about what we have discussed here today.

It's time to educate ourselves, and to think about corners for a change. Each and every one of you has the ability to truly make a difference -- not only for today, but also for the future!

Let's clean up this great nation of ours, one corner at a time.

This One's For You, Mom...

I woke up this morning with a nosebleed.

I'm pretty sure it's because I said "damn" in last night's post.

Take This Job Soap and Shove It

So the kids completed their first week of being back in school. Actually, it wasn't even a full week. In fact, the boys (who are still in elementary school) only went for 2 1/2 days.

This was a good thing, though, because I think they needed to ease back into it. My oldest son, especially, had a hard time simply waking up in the morning, let alone waking up with a cheerful attitude, all refreshed and alert.

I thought a morning shower would help him perk up and feel ready for the day. But when he was all done in the bathroom, this is what I found:

Perhaps a shower before bed is going to work out better...

Makeover Magic (Anybody Want To Go To the Prom?)

Today I bring you another entertaining website, this one courtesy of Mary Kay cosmetics.

Their website offers an online virtual makeover game tool where you can try out product colors and application techniques. I know this is probably very useful to someone who is trying to decide on a new look or color palette...but it also is very useful when one is trying to keep oneself entertained for the afternoon.

While they do limit the overall quantity of makeup a person is allowed to apply to one's virtual face, the program still provides plenty of personalization to paint a powerful picture (pun intended) of product possibilities and personal potential within the privacy of your own home 'puter room.

I know, that was a clumsy sentence, but wasn't it pretty?? See what a little creatively applied pink can do? It can hide your flaws!

Look what a little pink did for me:

Jujyfruit fresh out of bed

Jujyfruit ready for the day!

So, would anybody like to go to the prom with me? Go get yourself ready and send the image to jujyfruitmcgee@gmail.com.

The Countdown is On!

I had a huge flash of insight this morning -- I realized that the end of suffer summer vacation is only ONE PRESCRIPTION REFILL away!!

Fanny Pack News Flash!

I spoke to my daughter on the phone Saturday as she was heading home from camp. As we were talking, she suddenly said, "Hey, Grammy -- did you get my fanny pack from the cabin?" off to the side.

I strained my ears to hear the response from the background on that end...and, of course, it was a mildly surprised negative. That's right -- The Infamous Fanny Pack, highly sought after and debated, the main purpose of which was to keep her things close by and handy -- was itself forgotten!

"Well," I thought to myself, "I guess it really wasn't all that superior to more traditional toting methods after all. Everything was misplaced anyway...and they really do look pretty silly. No wonder they are all but extinct!"

I brought in the mail this morning and saw the cover of the July 2008 American Girl catalog. Un. Be. LIEVable. You can buy matching fanny packs belt bags for girls and their dolls?! "Does this mean they are nostalgic time-period accessories, or generally something the young kids these days are yearning for, like Webkinz, or a Wii??," I wondered.

Well! Imagine my surprise when the following magazine pages caught my eye while in the waiting room of the hospital for Junior's weekly Speech Therapy and Occupational Therapy sessions later...

(click to super-size images)

LOOK AT THIS! They may be Stars, but they really are just like us...and some of them even wear fanny packs belt bags!! Ok, so maybe that makes them NOT like us, but I think they might be on to something and we should bring back the pack, too!

Of course, these are candid shots, taken while they are just slumming around. So these photos could just be the equivalent of Stars With Cellulite or Stars Without Makeup or Stars Caught Red-Handed!
But then I kept reading and came to the StyleWatch page. NO WAY!! Stars are wearing them on the red carpet! Stylists are adding them as accessories! Coach sells them for $128.00!!
And LOOK! It's not just Hollywood that's doing it. Fanny packs Belt bags are being worn on the PGA Tour! (Will Tiger Woods start promoting them in commercials??)

And, speaking of commercials, what do you see on the waist of this carefree model? That's right. Another one! Think about it -- you can have ZERO periods (all year long!), and no more bulky, cumbersome purses to carry, either!! (That right there is some SERIOUS freedom, ladies.)

So there you have it, people. It's official. Feel free to strap on those packs and move about with pride!

Turns out you are NOT the only one.