A Moustache and Garanimals

August 1, 2008


Dear Middle School,

It has come to my attention that my daughter, Tootsie McGee, is listed on your roster as an incoming 6th grader for the 2008-09 school year.

Are you absolutely sure this listing is correct? I am aware that she has completed all educational standards required in area elementary schools, and, in fact, has done so with flying colors. So I understand why the powers that be might be under the impression that she is ready to transfer to your hallowed halls.

But can we talk?

I accompanied Tootsie to the sports registration night held in your main office last night, and several things made me question her school assignment as it now stands.

First of all, when I announced her name (Tootsie McGee) loudly in the office, everyone started to giggle and point at her. Ok, you're right, that one is totally my fault. Forget I mentioned it.

Let me start over.

First of all, before we even entered the office, we had to verify that she was going into the 6th Grade, and therefore was not required to watch the Anti-Drug Educational Video like the 7th & 8th Graders were; she merely needed to sign a form agreeing that she would abide by the school's Anti-Drug and Alcohol Policy. Are you serious? Have we already reached That Stage? That stage of cell phones and bubblegum, MySpace and peer pressure, pre-teen drug and alcohol use, Jamie Lynn Spears and birth control? Plus, not to mention, -- when did she start needing to read the fine print for herself and sign her own signature on papers??

I feel a little dizzy, but I will try to finish this letter.

The second item that concerned me as I waited in line last night was the general appearance of all the children adults teenagers waiting along with us. I had to verify that we were, in fact, in the correct line to sign up for 6th Grade Cross Country. That it wasn't actually the BMV License Branch waiting line, or the Free Moustache Shaver line, or the Ginormous Bras and Free Proactiv Solution line. While I was assured WE were in the proper line, I'm still not completely convinced everybody else was. But if indeed the information was accurate, let me just say that I am very, very glad I didn't dress her in her Garanimals last night!* And that I allowed her to tie her own shoes.**

I am aware that one should never judge a book by its cover, and while I freely admit to doing that all the time anyway, I try very hard not to judge by appearance when it comes to humans. So, taking into account all the hormone-laced milk and human-growth-factor-filled chicken these young adults have likely eaten in their brief-yet-obviously-long-enough lifetimes, I decided to close my eyes and just listen to the happy chatter of excited middle school students. Let me just tell you, Middle School, my eyes flew right back open at the offensive language freely flowing from the mouth of the allegedly pre-teen man behind us while he carried on a conversation with his wife mom. And, what's more, the words were issued forth in a decidedly bass voice. And I'm pretty sure I saw a moustache.

So, in summary, I am requesting a full review of all paperwork pertaining to my daughter's middle school placement. I need additional verification that this assignment is, in fact, correct.

And while you're reviewing, please keep in mind that this is the same child who, yesterday, asked me if we had any milk, and when I replied yes, asked me where it was.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Respectfully Yours,
Jujyfruit McGee, Concerned Parent



*While this entire post will likely cause my daughter considerable embarrassment, let me at least state for the record that she does not in fact own Garanimals. That was purely a mother, mourning The Loss of Innocence, taking a bit of literary license to illustrate a point.

** Ditto.